High praise for the idiot box.

TV is evil. I don’t like TV. the reason I don’t like TV is that I watch too much of it. It sucks me in. How, I don’t know because it truly is the idiot box. I think I must be an idiot. The more TV I watch, the more I find to dislike about it. Just when I think there’s nothing else to despise, I find something else or the cable company adds a horrible new channel. Don’t agree with me? Ponder this:

Reality based TV shows-‘reality TV’:
Oh my God I am so tired of this shit. Does anyone actually beleive that this is reality? I guess if you think so, then the Simpsons qualifies as reality TV as well. What a pile of crap. This stuff is just as scripted if not more so than all the other mindless drivel on TV. And who are these poor bastards that they get to participate? Temptation Island? What is this nonsense. Oooo. Sign me up. I want to go air my dirty laundry and have not only my reputation but my credibility as a human being destroyed on national TV in front of millions. I love how these are supposed to be ‘real people’ too. They look like escapees from the Ken and Barbie cloning project. This is how these people get on the show:

Hunky, good looking, vapid, shallow guy: “Honey, I got an idea about how we could raise money for my eyebrow extensions and your new breast implants!”

Hot, impossibly good looking, brain dead chick: (Twirling bleached blond hair on finger, smacking gum) “Huh?”

Hunky, good looking, vapid, shallow guy: “Baby, we can go prove our love to the world on Temptation Island. I know that we could win that prize ’cause I love you and you’re the only one for me!” (Admiring biceps and perfect white teeth in mirror.)

Hot, impossibly good looking, brain dead chick: “I don’t know, sweetie. There might be bugs on that Island and I don’t like bugs.”

Hunky, good looking, vapid, shallow guy: “Aw c’mon honey, it”s TV. There’s no bugs on TV. They have ’em all removed or somethin’.”

Hot, impossibly good looking, brain dead chick: (Staring at spot on ceiling) “Ok, baby. Only for you ’cause you’re my number one man.”

Hunky, good looking, vapid, shallow guy: “Sweet. You’re the best. Do you think I need bigger ‘pecks or a darker tan?”

Hot, impossibly good looking, brain dead chick: (trying to open ziploc bag of m & m’s with no success) “Huh?”

Seriously, all these people look like a “Drink Milk-It’s Healthy” commercial gone terribly wrong. They are TOO clean and good looking, if that’s possible. Even when they try to be ‘edgy’ and get tattooos, it’s like putting a Maryiln Manson sticker on your parents Toyota Corolla and driving around town…it just doesn’t jive.

Does anybody remember where all this reality shit started? I do. It was with that dumb show on MTV – the Real World. How strangely ironic. This is the show, where they took 7 people from the most opposite backgrounds and lifestyles possible, made them live in tight quarters, and further stirred the shit storm by inserting rumour and innuendo to create scandoulous outcomes. It’s a fact. After the show became popular both cast and crew admitted that directors and producers purposely made shit up or fabricated incidents in order to anger folks and create more interesting tv. How real is that? You’re even a bigger sucker if you think that they’re not pulling that shit on all these shows now. You think the big corporate TV machine is going to risk losing viewers? No. And what brings the viewers in? Scandal and pettiness. What if there is none? What if the people all (God forbid) actually get along? Well then make some shit up about the white guy talking shit about blacks. Or the straight guy bashing the gays. Or the pretty girl bashing the ugly one…well you get the picture. Stir the shitstorm. The amazing thing is for the most part, folks are buying it.

Book TV.
The Book Channel. Insane. If I want to read a book (which I should be doing, anyway) I’ll go read it. What the hell is the point of books on TV? Or even the discussion of books? TV and Movies killed books, just like Video killed the Radio Star. Next thing you know they’ll have a TV channel to talk about not watching TV. They could call it the “Get a Life” network.

The Golf Channel.
Do I have to say anything here? Shouldn’t you be OUT golfing, instead of watching TV? Can you take the TV out on the ‘range to practice your swing? Can you cart the TV out onto the fairway to help you with club selection. I will say one good thing for the Golf Channel, when I can’t sleep, it puts me right out.

TLC.
What is this about. Shows like Junkyard Wars. Trauma. Medical Detectives. Home Again with Bob Villa. Well, watching these shows, I learned the following things that I’m sure I can use everyday:
1. How to make a battering ram out of found items.
2. How to stabilize a patient with a gunshot wound and insert a chest tube.
3. How to frame my boss for the murder of my significant other, and unlike the guy in show, how NOT to screw up royaly and and hence get away with it.
4. How to restore a 200 year old, $675,000 New England farmhouse that I will never be able to afford to it’s original 1800 splendor, which actually looks worse and is twice as expensive, than if I just built a new one from scratch.

All definitely handy things to know. I mean who needs engineers, doctors, trained professionals and craftsmen? If I just keep watching TLC, I can do all these things for myself. Heck, now there’s even the History channel through which I will soon be able to plan and implement the conquest of my very own civilization. Why do I need anyone else at all?

And on a related note, what could be more entertaining than watching a bunch of overgrown science blub nerds battle with robots they built over the weekend in their garage? I mean I know that this is advancing science and all, but do we have to watch it? And they all come up with names for their ‘bots like ‘eradicator’ and ‘elimintator’ and ‘killer’ and ‘brusier’ as if that makes up for the fact that these guys got the shit kicked out of them in hight school.

Classic Sports Networks.
Yes. I have so much time on my hands and I am so intellectually devoid that I would like to spend my time watching sporting events to which I already know the outcome. That’s like selling lottery tickets that have already been scratched. Positively thrilling. Life on the edge.

CNN Headline News.
All the news channels for that matter. I mean, I’m all for getting a little bit of news now and then to keep in touch, but could they possibly cram any more information into the screen area? The little talking head news person is a small square in the corner, dwarfed by all these other boxes and scrolling tickers rattling off endless amounts of information-much more than you could actually process at once. Inevitably, you catch something interesting just as it scrolls, and if you want the full scoop you need to sit through an entire cycle of the ‘news loop’ and wait for your one item again.

And is it me, or are they always giving the weather for everywhere in the world OTHER than where you are. And due to the speedy nature of things it’s an abbreviated version that is not really a prediction at all. There’ll be a picture of a sun and the word ‘mild’. That’s it. Well that’s pretty freaking general. I think they just described the weather on half the planet at the moment, only it’s not the half I’m in, cause it’s sure not ‘mild’ here. I’m freezing my ass off. Who’s definition of ‘mild’ are they using anyway? Is that the plastified, blonde LA bimbo’s version of ‘mild’ or the Alaskan, seal skin chewing, Inuit’s definition of ‘mild’ because I guarantee they’re not the same thing.

I’m thinking of a bunch of other things I could rant and rave about, but I gotta go. My show is on and if I miss it I get all cranky.

bukitnote : Originally posted on theFacks Geocities site, ‘Exposure’ section.

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