“Pull over ’til the ‘ludes wear off…”

Is it me or can any idiot with a pulse get a driver’s license today. Many of us, including myself, are hurtling into the future on the bullet train that is the information highway, yet it takes me 20 minutes to get down the street to the fucking 7-eleven. What is wrong with this picture? Hey construction man, why do you have those two perfectly good lanes of road blocked right in the middle of rush hour? Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were busy picking the lint from your navel. I’ll come back later. The roads are becoming more and more clogged and congested (kind of like the bathtub drain at the youth hostel). I think in order to solve the problem, we just need to weed out a few of the undesirables…..

If you are old enough to remember killing your own food before you ate it, I don’t think you ought to be driving. Now, I have nothing against my elders, I just don’t want you in front of me on the roads anymore. I recognize that you need transportation to and from the bingo game, beauty parlor, what have you, but that’s what your realitives are for. Get THEM to drive you. They owe it to you, seeing as how you raised them and all, and the more you let them now this while they’re driving, in addition to how lonely you are because they never visit, the FASTER they will get you to your destination so you’ll get out and leave them the fuck alone. If I wanted to move as fast as you drive, I’d fucking walk everwhere I go. While this would be healthy, I’d be poor and starve to death, because I could never get to work, or get to the store before it closes. I have no idea how you get to Denny’s so early in the morning for the breakfast specials, you must leave your house at like 1 in the morning or something.

If I am right behind you, it is not your civic duty to slow me down. You are not helping mankind, so get out of the way. It’s at times like this you understand those LA Freeway shootings…

Habla Ingles? If you can’t READ our drivers tests, how the fuck do you guys PASS them? Why is the DMV letting you slide? Are you a friend of the family? Are you fucking the clerk? Oh sure, now I’m immigrant bashing. No. I have just as many foriegn friends as I do native ones, but all of my friends speak and read english AS WELL AS their native language. How can you drive an automobile when you have to keep looking in your english to whatever dictionary to see if the store you’re passing at 3 miles an hour sells lottery tickets? Get out of my way!

“Oh the scenery here is beautiful isn’t it dear?” Not for the fifteen cars behind you on that one lane country road. If you want to look at the woods, pull over and look at them, drive through them, run naked in them for all I care, but don’t gaze at them, or the monuments, or the world’s largest ball of string, while letting your car idle in the middle of the fucking road! Just take a couple a pictures, get them developed and then share them eith all your friends back at the trailer park. If you weren’t so fucking cheap, you’d take a real vacation instead of enjoying the ‘scenery’ on the way home from the bowling alley.

I can’t go 15 feet without getting a ticket for not having my car inspected but somehow you made it into the freak of the week clause, whereby if you live in your car, you pass. How did I end up behind you? If it weren’t for the jet black exhaust and oil dripping out of your tailpipe, I’d say you had to have a HORSE pulling that thing. I didn’t think you could run a car on 3 silly spares, but hey, you proved me wrong, thanks. I could put a fucking SAIL on my car and move faster than that dilapidated hot wheel you’re driving. And what a great SMELL your car puts out, what is that, Sulfur? Can I buy that air freshener at Pep Boys? You’d probably get around better if you melted that thing down and had it made into a bike.

Ohhh, it sure is getting cloudy. Whoa, couple o’ drops on the windsheild, better cut my speed in half. What the fuck? If you don’t like driving in wet conditions, don’t. There’s plenty of us who are perfectly capable. Why the hell do you think tire companies spend so much of your money working on the perfect ‘Aquatred’? You’re not going to slide right off the road, you’re in a 7,000 pound automobile! If planes can fly in rain, you sure as fuck can drive in it. Same with snow. Hey and you remember when you go into a skid, you turn the wheel the OPPOSITE way, just like in driver ed.

What’s that, you failed drivers ed? The book was in english and you couldn’t read it?

This is the problem with America today. Poor driving. And the fact that you can’t really park and fuck in a car anywhere anymore without getting busted. Heck, I can’t even find anyone to fuck, but I digress.

Sigh. I feel a little better now. If you’re one of these people, TOO BAD. Someone has to tell you you’re a dolt or else you can’t get help and get better. Remember if you can’t drive the cars on those high speed video games, you simply cannot drive in real life. Real life is much harder than Sega.

To make a long story long, you know who you are. People honk at you. Yell at you. Flip you the bird. Expose their genitals at you. Shoot at your tires. These are all telltale signs that it might be time for you to hang it up and get a metro card. They’re pretty cheap and they have public transportation pretty much everywhere in the world so you should be familiar with it. Just don’t sit next to me ’cause you stink.

When hippocrates attack.

You know, John and I have spent some major fucking time on this thing. It’s pretty easy now but at first it was a bitch. You have to learn the program, then you gotta come up with some sort of plan of attack, maybe a running theme to carry through out the page, which I’m not even sure we’ve developed yet. You’ve gotta conceive and produce the graphics, type in the text, scan photos and all this other shit. Don’t get me wrong, it was and is alot of fun, but many beers went down, along with a lot of frustration.

When we first conceived this grand idea of a ‘Youth Hostel Website’, we thought it was a killer idea even for us. All our friends who were always over here and hanging out could find out what was going on when they weren’t around and keep up to date on all the latest happenings. Now, it wouldn’t be like us not to poke fun at people, we even poked fun at ourselves, you have to be able to laugh at yourself otherwise you’re fucked. I set out to report the events that occurred on a day to day basis with the utmost integrity and the only thing I interjected was my own twisted brand of humor. Everything that you read on this page IS TRUE, IT REALLY HAPPENED THAT WAY.

In doing my reporting I apparently pissed some people off, embarrassed some people, I guess. Well so what. If you’re embarrassed by something you’ve done that was made public here maybe you need to look at the deeper issue of why. Why are you embarrassed. If you’re so embarrassed, why don’t you cut it out? God knows there’s some embarrassing shit about me here. I made a concerted effort not to exclude myself from the carnage. Do you think I’m proud of the fact that I went into a violent rage and was so drunk I shredded a can of Pringles all over the living room? No. Some might say I have a problem. So be it. the fact of the matter is, I take responsibility for my actions. If I piss somebody off, I admit it, If I break something, I admit it, If I’m an asshole, well you get the picture.

Apparently some people want to go out and party and wear that floral lampshade on their head and dance naked on the coffetable and then forget about it at work the next day. No way. The great oriental philosopher, Hong Kong Phooey said once, “You are what you do, people will remember you for your actions. So if you can’t take the heat get the fuck out of the kitchen.” I may have misquoted him a little but I think you get where he was coming from.

For some reason, some of you think our house is like a theme park where you can come be a fucking idiot and then go home and no one will know. Well I’m here to tell you we’re fucking idiots all the time, that’s what our house is about. We are all insane here. Maybe it should be the Lapensee Sanitarium. We love nothing more that to have our fellow patients-er-um, I mean friends come over and play with us. The only problem is when you wake up the next morning and want us to be quiet, well don’t. If you don’t want to play with us, don’t. If your mom, or your boyfriend, or girlfriend, or your fucking grocery store clerk looks at you funny afterwards, don’t blame me, I just wrote down what I saw you do. YOU DID IT. By the way, I still can’t believe what you did with that beer bottle…

A tearjerker. With swearing.

Alright, so here it is, our webpage. What does this mean? No one will ever probably visit it. If you’re reading this, you probably got here by accident and then your system locked up and won’t let you leave. (A software touch we programmed in, it’s working!)

So now you’re stuck here forever, dabbling in the the lives of what you think are a bunch of poor lost souls, and this is what we are, but we are lost together and that’s what makes us survive.

Everyone’s got em.

Your own circle of friends. The circle of wagons you can retreat to when the Indians of the world attack. The people that live here at this house have a bond that goes even deeper than being ‘friends’ we’ve spent ‘times’ with each other. we’ve all been through the shit and the shine and I know that just when I’m about to lose my grip one of these sorry motherfuckers will throw me a rope and bring me back in. I can say I would do the same for them.

When you live, eat, shit and shower with people, you get to know them pretty well. You get to see all their finer points. Although it’s hard to remember those finer points when they borrow your room one night and leave a big stain on the sheets. Most of the time though, you peacefully coexist, you start to expect certain people around, heck you even start to want them around when they’re not. They make you forget about all that other shit, your problems. They bring you from a mass of confusion back down to just being human.

We all have an inner need for human contact, an ache. Even the darkest loner will tell you this. At times the reason we feel so alone in a group of people is because they are at a distance, we have not let them inside who we are, and we have not gone inside and embraced who they are. There is static that exists.

I KNOW the guys I live with. I can read them, better than anyone else, maybe even their family. They know me too. Sometimes more than I’d like.

This ‘opening up’, this ‘knowing’ is not a weakness. It’s the people that hide themselves that cause themselves and those around them more greif. There are times when I want to know no one, but they are few and far between. I retreat into my world and come back to the surface, every one does. Call it downtime or whatever, it’s you – time.

The basic fact is you/we need other people, other emotions other ideas, if only as sounding boards or reminders of how much we have it together. In as much as I know how ‘nowhere’ I’m going and how messed up in the head I am, I am better off having known all the people here. I do not regret a time spent with any of them and I hope they feel the same about me, because it’s through interaction with them, and through them that my life is enriched and I am who I am today. Go out and LIVE with the people you know and love, don’t just interface. Take something you know from them and make it your own. Accept them, their imperfections and revel in your time together, for it is short and you will miss it when it’s gone. You need to have a place to call home, and souls to share it with.

The Youth Hostel is my home. These guys are my friends. These are my memories.

I would not trade any of it for the world.