Representative of everything that is wrong with the world.

Yesterday riding home from work, I couldn’t put air in my flat bike tire at the gas station because I didn’t have fifty cents.

They wanted fifty cents for air.

If it’s fifty cents for a car tire, my tire would have used about 5.

Is air a traded commodity on the NYSE now?

I need to get me some stock in water….or the newest trendy stock, dirt. I hear that’s selling through the roof. Dirt always sells, just ask anyone in the media.

A view into the handbasket.

So this weekend I get out for a bit of a trail ride at Wakefield for like the first time in at least a month. The weather is awesome, I’m havin’ a blast – I only regret I didn’t bring the dog – I thought there would be too many people out. Not the case at all, I’ve only seen 3 people.

30 minutes in – snap goes the rear derailleur hanger. For you non-bike geeks out there, this is the equivalent of dropping the transmission of your car in the middle of the road.

So, being that I have not brought any tools with me I sling my ride over my shoulder and begin what will be at least a half hour hike-a-bike home. I know what you’re saying, left your tools at home? I live right by the trails right? What could go wrong? I learned my lesson here. Hey kids, ALWAYS BRING YOUR TOOLS.

Anyway, on the way home I must have passed at least 15 people. All walks of life. 2 young guys riding mountain bikes. A dad and his kids, other folks. They pass me.

The guy CARRYING his bike. Would it not appear something is wrong? NO ONE asks if I need help, or offers tools. NO ONE.

After the first person passed me up, I laughed it off, and decided to make an experiment of it – I’d see just how long before someone asks. It’s not that it matters much, I was in a good mood and the walk home was minimal, I just wanted to shut up my cynical side. It didn’t work.

One guy finally asked if I was ok, but that wasn’t until I was about a stone’s throw from my house. And I had blisters on the tops of my toes from my soggy riding shoes. Not his fault – at least he asked.

Our society is going in a bad direction, people. This ‘look out for yourself and screw everyone else’ crap is only going to get us so far, and I’m not just saying that because my toes hurt.

Tales of cookies and procrastination.

Well here we are again with another of my stimulating reports. Where to start. Oh yeah, how about my dad is a slacker and has taken way too long to get new eye candy of yours truly up on this site. I try to explain to him that my public and my fans demand fresh content but my complaints fall on deaf ears. I swear, you’d think I was talking gibberish or something. Anyway, at least there are new pictures up, although now, my look is totally different since I fired my last stylist and hired a new one…check back for pics of my new makeover soon.

I am happy to report that I can now sit up unsupported all by myself. I can’t tell you how much of a relief this is since it means I don’t have to have all those ‘big people’ hanging around me all the time, man do they get old, always crowding my creative space and wrecking my vibe. I’ve also decided that I also kind of like this thin they call standing, although I haven’t soloed yet, I still need a spotter. The other thing that puzzles me is after you’re ‘standing’ what are you supposed to do then? Seems like a waste of time to me, but it’s still fun.

I have also decided that I do like the big brown fuzzy thing that runs around alot, now HE is cool. I make sure that I let everyone know that I think he is cool in the usual fashion, that being loud squeals and lots of laughing, but then they just pay attention to me. What, am I on Mars or something? Not me! HE’s the cool one! Go get HIM and bring him back-and let me get a handfull of that soft stuff he’s got all over him while you’re at it!

Speaking of soft stuff, I’ve been eating alot of it these days. I don’t know what these people are thinking by grinding perfectly good food into mush, My dad says that broccolli tastes just as bad even in paste form, but it all tastes the same to me-AND I JUST WANT MORE OF IT! Only problem is now I got this thing they keep calling a ‘tooth’ growing out of my mouth. Is this cancerous? Shouldn’t we have this thing looked at? I mean, IT’S GROWING OUT OF MY MOUTH for crying out loud! Can that be normal? Not to mention the fact that sometimes it just plain hurts so bad that I’d pretty much chew on anything to make it feel better, even WHOLE broccolli. Sometimes though, they give me these cool things, ‘cookies’, and those are great, until I try and eat too big a piece and I choke, but what do they expect, they didn’t give me anything to cut it with and I have a hard enough time aiming the thing at my mouth as it is!

Ah it’s alright though, as long as I can share my misery with mom and dad, that makes it all better. Sometimes they even put this stuff in my mouth that makes it all tingly, and then it feels like my whole chin just plain dropped off my face…now that is some good stuff. It works good on the ‘tooth’ but the only problem is, try keeping your saliva in your mouth with no chin…I’m soaking wet half the time and they can’t keep the bibs coming fast enough. I think I need a maid or a valet or something. Can’t I get a ‘personal assistant’ like those stars in Hollywood? I bet all the crazy talking animals I see on the big picture box in the living room have personal assistants. Say, that reminds me, how come OUR big brown fuzzy thing never talks?

If you would like to apply to be my personal assistant, email me your resume, some references and either a few cookies or a cup of applesauce.

Well, that’s about it for now. Take it easy-and remember, it’s not ‘babies’-we prefer the term ‘tiny drooling adults’. Hey, that would make a pretty cool band name.